Tonnie Wants To Be Single Again

12 Comments

GINGER

1/9/2012 8:26:34 AM

HI DR. ARCHER--I AM SINGLE. I AM IN MY MID FIFITIES. I WAS MARRIED WHEN I WAS IN MY EARLY 20'S. MY MARRIAGE LASTED FOR JUST OVER ONE YEAR. FOR SEVERAL YEARS AFTER THAT I SEARCHED AND SEARCHED FOR ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP THAT WOULD END UP IN MARRIAGE. I WAS IN A COUPLE OF RELATIONSHIPS THAT WERE NOT GOOD FOR ME OF THE GUYS I WERE INVOLVED WITH. I THOUGHT THERE WS SOMWTHING WRONG WWITH ME FOR NOT BEING MARRIED. BUT AS THE YEARS HAVE GONE BY (AND WITH SONE THEREPY TO HELP ME FIGURE MYSELF OUT) I HAVE COME TO LOVE THE SINGLE LIFE. I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT WHENEVER I WANT. I LOVE TO TRAVEL AND I LOVE IT ON MY OWN. I'VE HEARD COMMENTS FROM PARENTS OF KIDS WHO ARE IN THEIR EARLY 20'S SOUND SO DESPARATE FOR THEIR SONS/DAYGHTERS TO GET MARRIED. I BELIEVE THER ARE POSITIVES AND NEGATIVES TO BOTH LIFSTYLES (IE MARRIED VS SINGLE). BEING SINGLE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THIS HORRIBLE THING THAT SOMTIMES I BELIEVE PEOPLE THINK IT IS. SURE THERE IS LONLINESS AT TIMES BUT A PERSON CAN BE LONELY EVER WHEN MARRIED. I SPEAK FROM EXPERIENCE HERE BECAUSE I FELT VERY LONLY DURING THE TIME IN MY LIFE THAT I WAS
MARRIED.

Lola

1/9/2012 9:03:25 AM

Tonnie, don't be afraid of leaving. I remember when I was just a couple of years older than you, I finally moved into my own home for the first time. It was nothing but a shack, and at first I had someone who moved in with me, but he moved on in a few months, and then for the first time, I had the place to myself. I'll never forget how good it felt, like for the first time in my life I was able to breathe. I've never married, am in my late fifties now, and I don't regret it. That doesn't mean you have to stay single forever. There may come a time after you've had a chance to get to know yourself that you make a better match.

After another breakup, I felt guilty for feeling so much relief, but I wrote it out in a poem. Here's just an excerpt. Being alone can be exhilarating!

It’s okay
There’s no one here but me
hanging in lifeless forms
dark and sparkling
deep and velvety
slick and shining
steeped in memories
strapped in anticipation

She has dreams for every occasion.

marcia

1/9/2012 3:54:16 PM

You are one lucky girl with no problem Tonnie! Your feelings are a warning and you need to respect it. If this was the right man for you, he would not cause you to feel so. You are too young to get married anyway, you have lots of time ahead of you, to find true love! Nothing else is worth the trouble being attached!

sonja

1/9/2012 4:49:33 PM

Hey Tonnie,

I am a bit confused as if you truly wanted to be single as you say you would be which leads me to think that you may be hurting as you say your boyfriend is not caring or loving. Please correct me if I am wrong but my thoughts are you actually love your boyfriend very much and want him to be the things you have written he is not.

Have you spoken to him about how your feeling as changing your number is a bit like running away from a problem and Tonnie when you run away from a problem it does not go away it actually follows you. Really my suggestion would be to talk to your boyfriend tell him how you feel unloved and uncared for by him see what he has to say and then make your decision. Hurt and rejection can make us do all sorts of irrational things that we truly regret later on. Please dont take this as a put down to you but to have a grown up relationship you need to be a grown up honestly I have learnt this lesson myself.

Maybe discover who you truly are, start falling in love with yourself you might be surprised with the outcome. Tonnie one thing I have learnt also is that we put so much expectations on people fulfilling our needs instead of fulfilling our own. Read about it or go talk to a therapist about it honestly it would be the best gift you could ever give yourself. You will know who you are and the kind of person that will compliment your life. Yes it is true.

Please do not play this game and it is a game you just might not get what you want out of it. Be single or be in a relationship decide and then act accordingly. Good luck to you Tonnie I do wish you every happiness.

Sonja

Mattie

1/10/2012 4:22:26 PM

Make it clear that you don't see yourself wanting to spend the rest of your life whit him ,and you want to move on to the next chapter of your life , because you grown out of this relationship, and looking forward to some soul sourcing when it comes to man ...follow you heart not your fear of be alone ,trust your gut feeling . and go for it ,something better will come along , (and stick to your decision.)...no games......

DDA

1/14/2012 11:12:13 AM

Ginger, you most definitely speak the truth! Being married in no way guarantees happiness or security, and in fact it can cause just the opposite. Being happy with yourself is the most important thing. Finding the right mate is icing on the cake.

DDA

1/14/2012 11:12:59 AM

Great poem! If more people were as grounded and happy as you are, Lola, I'd have so much more free time on my hands!

DDA

1/14/2012 11:13:24 AM

Yes, Marcia, well said, her feelings are indeed a warning.

DDA

1/14/2012 11:13:50 AM

Good addition, Sonja.

DDA

1/14/2012 11:14:11 AM

Well said, Mattie.

Lola

1/14/2012 4:21:28 PM

Oh, that's such a sweet thing to say, Dr. Archer, but the truth is I've always lived with a strong dichotomy and only my determination to wrestle life into submission has made me force myself to get back up during some pretty bad depressions and wrangle some excitement out of whatever I could, as you've seen in some of my retaliation stories; and even then, there was one that broke me. I'm stronger than most anyone I've ever known, but not unbreakable or invulnerable. And on a utilitarian level, I just get very tired of working all the time to pay bills when there are so many other things I'd rather be doing, and I find that oppressive, but one does what one has to do. It's true I'm easily amused though, and that may be my salvation. Something as simple as my dog doing something cute can make me smile intermittently all day. Also, I'm much better at giving advice than taking my own advice, as you must have noticed! I wonder if you ever have that problem.

You know that poem excerpt up above, that line "hanging in lifeless forms" is acknowledging the underlying depression. I had gone into that relationship reluctantly while still trying to deal with depression from the one before when the best friend slept with the boyfriend, who I was now working with daily. That was a big depression. It was a relief when that next relationship ended because I knew it didn't have a chance, under the circumstances. I was relieved to be back to myself, but I still had the underlying depression to deal with, and that was something that recurred during the years I worked with the ex-BF. But at the same time, I was living my dream, through my career, the thing I cared most about, and I was in a position to write my own ticket after a certain point, so it lifted me very high, while I periodically felt the undertow of the depression spawned from relationships. It was at a break in that career that I was finally broken by depression and ptsd.

So I think I'm grounded on some levels, as you say, but I do veer off into mysticism and obsession and things that many psychologists would consider delusional. My time alone in that shack when I was 21, a good part of it was spent daydreaming so vividly about someone that in retrospect, it seems more like remembrances of a past life. It was very obsessive, and I am still vulnerable to a certain degree.

There were earlier days when I sometimes thought of myself as the little girl in Stephen King's "Firestarter," not because I was a pyromaniac but because I had so much longing and energy to throw off that it was overwhelming. Later, after I rose from the 10-year depression (during which, for the first time, I was unable to write anything) the way I viewed myself changed:

"The wine splattered red as the chalice flew against the wall
Armed to the teeth, I threw down the gauntlet
The chain mail turned to spider webs
covering me with whispy strands beneath my armor,
my heart bleeding out through a crack
red and shining against the glowing silver,
like my crimson mouth set stoic beneath eyes of steel.

I never wanted to be this strong."

Dr. Archer, you will just have to believe me when I tell you that I could probably take up ALL your time if you had to sort me out.

marcia

1/16/2012 7:11:30 PM

But since many people aren't happy and problems will keep flooding, and in modern times there will never be enough free time, we need to pause sometimes and empty the mind from thoughts... We need to open that magic book, which we have, in which all is dreamy, and read a page, and go to sleep to carry on with a lovely dream, which is worth better than reality, because reality will never be so perfect, all the time, but a mirage will be!