Dear Dr. Archer,
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half, with two break ups. He broke up with me once and I broke up with him once. A few days ago he said he needed time to fix a ‘problem’. This sounds familiar.
The first break up was because I could not get in touch with him for few weeks; he told me he needed alone time. I told him I don't do break time, rather we would just break up; we did not contact each other for few weeks.
Somehow we had a conversation on the phone (he made the initial contact but it took me a few days to actually call back). The next day he came to my house and he was drunk. He said he was sorry, but that he had problems he needed to fix.
The second breakup was because of issues with his ex-girlfriend and my attitude. He said I have a bad attitude, that I’m looking for someone else all the time. I get approached by men sometimes, it’s true. I need to be honest with him, so I told him a few times about two men who were interested in me.
He got very upset and he said he would keep his ex-girlfriend in his flat. She had come from overseas for holiday for a month, and he would keep her in his spare room. I could not accept that and we broke up again for a few weeks.
We had a deep conversation for the first time, and were much better off than ever before. He was much more romantic, telling me he missed me all the time, and asked that we see each other full time.
I was happy and I'm sure he was too. And then we had another argument. I know he was having problems, studying and working at the same time, and financial issues to pay tuition fees. Worst of all, last year he became gluten intolerant, and he had to consume gluten to take the allergy test. He told me I deserved someone better than him.
I was trying my best to help make him positive and happy. But we were arguing badly on the phone, so he cancelled our plans for Christmas. He made new plans with one of his friends, so I ended up spending Christmas alone. He called me eventually and said he was having problems with his visa. Supposedly he lost a few thousand dollars and his visa was in limbo.
After that conversation I did my own thing, not contacting him for four days. I rang him yesterday but he didn't answer. A friend told me he is using me as a doormat, but I don't think that is true. After that, though, I started having a strange feeling. Maybe he's right. I don't know.
I'm a psychological mess right now. What should I do? Do I give him time and wait for him to come back or are we finished? Psychological advice please?.
Sophie
Dear Sophie,
I’m not sure what is going on in your boyfriend's mind, or why he would go so long without contacting you again. I can’t tell you about him, but I can advise you.
Something doesn't sound right, and if something doesn't seem right, there's usually something very wrong.
The truth is, Sophie, this is the second time he has disappeared on you, so consider this a pattern. Face the facts, this is not a secure, loving relationship. While you don't have to tell him who shows an interest in you, (why would you feel the need to do that?), he shouldn't threaten you by inviting his ex-girlfriend to spend time with him while she's in the country. That’s immature behavior on both sides, and it's destructive.
So now here you are, alone, with your boyfriend saying he has trouble with his visa. Things are not adding up, Sophie, and there is enough smoke here to virtually guarantee that there is a fire.
You need to cut your losses and make this a learning experience. Break up and move on. If he has disappeared on you twice and you remain with him, there will be a third, fourth and fifth time. Remember this for future references: "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior."
Learn from this experience, Sophie. From now on, anytime a guy says you're too good for him, believe him and move on. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
