Dear Dr. Archer,
I was married for about 28 months when I learned my husband was cheating on me with hookers, dominatrices and via Internet pornography. It was a second marriage for us both and he had minor children from his first marriage with whom we had liberal visitations. There was a plenty at stake if I walked away; it wasn't just the two of us -- it was the three kids.
He had the means and the opportunity as the general counsel of a very large international company. He traveled extensively and had to relocate from Chicago to Ann Arbor, Michigan, four hours away.
When I discovered the hookers through the use of a private investigator, I was devastated. But somehow I needed to see it for myself. I drove to Ann Arbor overnight and pulled into his apartment's parking lot just as he was leaving for work with his live-in hooker in tow.
It wasn't until we were in downtown Ann Arbor that he realized I was right behind him. To make a long story short, I tried to get mental help for my husband. He was diagnosed ADD, but refused to take his medication.
Personally, I think he's bipolar, but that's no longer my concern. What is my concern is that I seem to have been left with residual trauma from this awful four-year experience.
I have frequent nightmares of the day I pulled him over with the hooker in the car -- when she laughed at me, I yelled at her and he threatened me. I have flashbacks of the photos I saw of him with other women from the P.I.
I still have all of his emails between him and his hookers in my possession. I don't read them anymore, but I know what they say. And if my mind goes there, I frequently end up throwing up.
There's someone new in my life now. I love him dearly, but I am unable and unwilling to move forward in our relationship of a year. I don't want to move in together and I don't want to get married. Ever. I'm happy to see him once or twice a week and otherwise be left alone.
What happened to me? I cry myself to sleep almost every night. I wake up with night sweats and panic attacks. I feel as though I'm unable to trust and I've isolated away from my friends and family. What the hell happened to me?
Margie
Dear Margie,
Yes, that’s a terrible experience and it sounds like you are experiencing PTSD. This is not limited to horrific and physically traumatic events, Margie. It can definitely be caused by emotional trauma, as well.
All too often, because of the result of the trauma of a cheating spouse, the survivor experiences difficulty in intimacy and close friendships. This is based on a shattered trust and the fear that if you put yourself out there again, you could be hurt again. It's common in a case like this to lose interest in social activities, family and friends. Quite simply, you’re sad and don’t want to socialize.
My advice, first, you need to share what happened with your current boyfriend. Believe me, he will probably be relieved to learn why you have such commitment phobia. Then you can work through it by talking together about your relationship and trust issues. Also, talk to your friends. It sounds like you’ve held this in and suffered much too long, Margie.
If that doesn’t work, then it’s time to see a therapist to help you work through your unfortunate experience. You need to find a way to deal with these feelings, and having a professional guide you along the way will get you to a healthy place much quicker. If that doesn’t help, meds may be needed, but try without first.
Keep the faith and realize not everyone is like your ex. I sincerely wish you a happy new year. Make it count by being the best you can be. Good luck!
Dr. Archer
