Dear Dr. Archer,
Please, I desperately need your help. I'm in love with a married man. He's a bad person, and he has used me so much. Can you tell me how I can forget him? He hurts me often, and he's not an honest person; he's a liar and he is cheating on his wife.
I've been with him for five years, and my brain can't forget him! Please tell me how to forget him! Do you have some psychological way I can get over him? Please, you're my last hope. Please.
Saamiya
Dear Saamiya,
Okay, first things first. Quit whining and acting like you're a victim here. You're not. You are a grown woman and a willing participant with a man cheating on his wife, plain and simple.
AND you've been doing it for five years, so it's not like you’re just figuring this out. He's using you and you're letting him. You deserve the cake, but all you're getting is just a few measly crumbs.
If you're finally ready to live a respectable life, it must be your decision, Saamiya, and then you must just do it. I don't have any magic words that will just "poof!," make him disappear.
You have to do your part. This means, any time you think of him, you must for the first month associate his image with all of his horrible traits. This should be very easy, because you've already started your list. 1) He's unfaithful to his wife; 2) He hurts you; 3) He's dishonest; 4) He's a liar -- now you can take over from here.
List everything you can, and I'm sure there's many more, of all the negative things about this man. Conjure up all the images you can use of him that portray him as a bad person. Then, any time you think of him and miss him, look at your list. C'mon, Saamiya, it doesn't take a psychiatrist to realize he's using you and you're allowing yourself to be used.
Now get firm with him. Tell him it's over, that you're done with him and you're moving on. Then, Saamiya, change your phone number, your email address and anything else he uses to contact you. YOU are in control of yourself, no one else.
If you don't do this, you're going to simply waste your life with someone else's cheating husband. In the end, your guilt and regret is going to consume you. Is that what you want out of life? I sure hope not!
After a month, whenever you have free time and your mind wanders to him, change your thoughts. Have something ready to think about in your mind. Decide, as an example, 'if I think of him I will think about that luncheon I had with the girls.' Then, whenever you start to think of him, concentrate on remembering the luncheon, the conversation, think of the best parts of the conversation, remember what each person had to eat and drink; relive the moment in your mind.
Think of the funniest part of the luncheon -- c'mon, Saamiya, you get the point. Have a few things in mind that whenever you find yourself with extra time on your hands, whenever your mind goes to him, you can easily switch the gears and think of something else.
For heaven's sake quit saying you cannot stop thinking about him. The more you tell yourself that, the more you won't be able to forget about him. Quit telling me, yourself and anyone else that you can't stop thinking about him. You can. You're just telling yourself you can. I know you can't be that weak minded; I just refuse to believe that.
Once you're away from him, I seriously urge you to not jump into another relationship. Take a little time off and spend it with yourself, family and good friends. Do things that are fun and enjoy yourself, with no pressure of a relationship.
Stay active! It's okay to grieve this period of time; I'd expect no less. But just be aware that it's the best thing in the world you could do. Grieve and then move on. You will be better and wiser for it. This is all up to you, Saamiya. You can choose a better life or you can remain stagnant. The choice is yours. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
