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Mariana Is Separated In A Foreign Country
1/13/2012 6:00:08 AM
Dear Dr. Archer,
I'm a 24 year old Brazilian woman who married a year and a half ago to my American husband. Since last November, however, we've been separated from each other since I left the house. We no longer had sexual relations and we were all about fighting.

After I left, he moved forward with his life pretty quickly. That triggered me to start thinking about hurting myself and all my energy was drained out of my system. Life pretty much became meaningless. The thoughts, feelings and aggression are very strong and take control sometimes. 

I've been wondering if I have some type of neurological or psychological problem or disorder. During my relationship with my husband we had our ups and downs, but I'm feeling so responsible for the bad times and frustrated with myself,  that now I carry this huge feeling of guilt that doesn't want to let me be free.

Trying to force my husband to remain with me is not working; he is clearly not into me anymore. I feel betrayed because I'm alone in this country and I feel like I'm losing my sanity. 

Please help me, Dr. Archer. I don't have any way to pay for psychological help, and it's difficult to get help over the Internet with a professional. Thank you so much, and best regards.
Mariana 

Dear Mariana, 
As difficult as it is, you must try to remember why you left your husband in the first place. You had constant fighting and no longer had sex.  Clearly the two of you were not meeting each other's needs and you were not compatible for a long term relationship.

So, I truly believe the biggest issue you're now facing is that you're alone in a new country. I don't think you have a neurological or psychological problem at all. This has taken its toll on you, as separation and divorce often do. But add to the fact that you're in a country, alone, with no family or support and it’s understandable that you feel this way.

You're right, Mariana; you cannot force your husband or anyone else to do something they don't want to do. Your husband is responsible for his actions and you are responsible for yours.

If your husband is unwilling to talk and try a reconciliation, I believe your best bet would be to return to Brazil to your family. You would then be surrounded by people who love you and time would heal your wounds. 

I invite you to read "Am I Wasting My Time With This Guy?" and "Betty Was Not Happy With Her Husband Until He Wanted A Divorce". Remember, Mariana, the most important thing is to learn from this experience. It will most likely help you eliminate mistakes in your future.

I seriously urge you to surround yourself with the people you love; it will help you more than you know. I sincerely wish you well.
Dr. Archer
Posted by: Dr. Dale Archer | Submit comment | Tell a friend

Categories: Divorce  |  Family Situations  |  Marriage  |  Stressful Situations

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3 Comments
marcia
1/13/2012 10:31:14 AM
And consider yourself lucky that you can go far away. If you go to Brazil, you will no longer have a chance running into him. So you can change your life completely and make a new beginning. Doesn;t this sound like a dream? That's what you need. If you are not tied up with a job, I would leave. Even if you are tied up with a job, it will feel good to leave. You can get a job elsewhere. It might even be better than the one you have now. Especially if your family are elsewhere, you have no reason to stay. You are so young, you have plenty of time, you could move counties another 3 times. Nobody said you need to stay stuck where you are for ever. In fact, this is a frightful thought... If nothing changes, we might as well die instantly, why wait? So, you are very lucky, you have this somewhere else to go, rather than be stuck and miserable, thinking about the past and constantly searching for feel-good holidays!
Crystal
1/14/2012 1:56:10 AM
I am a first generation american that grew up with my mother who is from Honduras. My father and her separated when I was 2 years old. I grew watching her move us from place to place with no family or friends to support. If there is one thing I learned from my mother is watching her survive and not let anything get her down to the point of giving up.
I would recommend you to find your nearest battered women's shelter and begin bonding with other women who have gone through separation as yourself. Even though your situation is different, it is the same in the matter of leaving and being alone. Create your own circle and watch it bloom. Life is trial and error so one place may not work but the next might have a solution. Never give up, you are surrounded by many women who have gone through similar or same situation as yourself. You just have to open your eyes, step outside and begin finding them.

When I left my mothers home and moved up north to see what living with my father was like, I had no friends. Living with a father i barely knew was like living with a total stranger. I went and applied myself to the nearest college and began finding a path for myself. To find friends i began attending many churches, social groups which you can find at libraries or even online, and began creating my own social network through all of that. Was it easy? Heck no, i was always so nervous, sweating and wanting to give up but knowing that I would eventually create a circle of bond was fueling me to not give up.

In all honesty, there is not excuse to make a life of your own. If i did not let my anxiety, depression and past abuse hold me back, i know you can do the same. You do not have to take the same route I took, you just need to start creating one of your own.

Good luck and think strong and positive thoughts. Remember, there is a positive lesson in EVERYTHING we go through.

Crystal Angeles
Sherry Foster
1/14/2012 2:37:15 AM
Mariana,
Wow, You havent been here all that long, Have you thought out what you want to do now? Are You Working? I know you probably need resources of places you can turn too for assistance, I sure hope you have a place to stay and have local friends that can help you. Have you been in touch with your family back in Brazil? Dr. Archer is right surround yourself with the people you know you can turn too for help. Praying for you that you stay safe mariana. Sherry
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