Dear Dr. Archer,
My relationship with my husband has changed within the last two years. We have been married for eight years and I have gained weight. Truthfully, during these two years I haven't taken very good care of myself, which I know is a contributing factor in our sexual relationship.
We have gone nine months without sex, not by my choice. I found pictures of my husband taking pictures of himself, penis fully erect, on his cell phone, along with a picture of a man's muscular chest and stomach, and a picture of a boat and a house. Needless to say I was devastated. I confronted him about it and he told me it was a game he had been playing on his phone.
He said people have profiles so you can see who you play against. He told me all the pictures that were not of him were to feel special, and he told me it happened once.
The next day I was going through his phone again and found pictures dating back six months. Pictures of himself, both naked and clothed; I also found pictures of naked women. Pictures that were taken on my birthday, and two days after our anniversary that was neither celebrated nor spent together.
He lied to me over and over again, saying the pictures were never sent. He said he felt guilty sending pictures of himself. He told me he was going to send me a naked picture, even though he doesn't touch me, not to even hold my hand. I sobbed and sobbed, and told him I blamed myself for our relationship. I asked what could I do to get us back to the way we were.
He told me he would like me to be the same size when we first met, and I agree with him. I know I would be happier with myself. We discussed other issues, but I can't help but think every day about what he has done.
Is this normal? Have I dismissed his lying to move forward and better our relationship? I worry daily that he is not sexually attracted to me and my weight loss is not going to happen fast enough. I feel him trying, but he still does not initiate sex. What do you think?
Lori
Dear Lori,
Whether married for a day or married 50+ years, one thing is certain, husband and wife should make every effort to be appealing; physically, mentally and emotionally, for not only their spouse, but for themselves, as well.
You say you let yourself go, which is a very fixable problem. Get on a diet, whether it's joining a club, a national weight loss program or on your own or with your doctor's supervision. The time to do this is NOW, Lori. But, the condition of your marriage is not just because of you. No way.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say this did not happen just because you gained some weight. If it was a big deal, I would think your husband would have said something to you. Marriage is much like a garden. It must be cared for, nourished and watered. It must be tended, or the weeds will overtake and kill it.
I know of no phone game where individuals take nude photos of themselves. Please, he will have to do better than that. And no one takes pictures of himself on his phone for personal enjoyment. He sends them out to whomever, and I guarantee he was not feeling one ounce of guilt when he pressed SEND.
You have some real issues to discuss if this marriage is to last. He is sending and receiving pictures of men and women and he needs to come clean and let you know what he's doing. No more lies, no more sneaking; he MUST tell the truth or there is no chance.
So, go on a diet, start working out and have a heart to heart chat and tell him you want the truth, that you are willing to forgive, but no more lies. Do everything in your power to make this work, after that it’s up to him. It’s never too late to save a marriage and I wish you luck. Oh and if he agrees, marriage counseling would be a great way to jump start a reconnection.
Dr. Archer
