Dear Dr. Archer,
I have been with my husband for three years and married for a year and a half. Over the last year I have truly felt ignored by my husband. Most of the time I didn't even know what was going on in his life, unless I read about it on Facebook. Since August of this year things have really gotten out of hand.
I found out that he was still in love with a former girlfriend the first three months that we dated and was sending her emails and visiting her. I also found out he emailed another female that he told me was just a friend, telling her that he missed the way she kissed and other parts of her body.
This past summer he asked a girl at Coney Island for her number. He claims he did it out of pressure from his fellow firefighter co-workers. This doesn't include the fact that he has complimented other women and not me on Facebook. He has since deleted me because he got tired of me —his wife! "stalking" his page and complaining about the comments he makes.
He also says words like "f*** you" when he gets angry with me. Since this has all been uncovered, we have been going to counseling but I am so hurt that I feel I will never recover from this. He has apologized, but I feel the damage is too deep. When I mentioned divorce he tells me we are not getting a divorce.
Today it got really bad. I heard him texting back and forth and told him I wanted to leave. He sits in his back office all day and watches TV. He only comes out to eat or fuss at my children -- his stepchildren. He claims he loves us but always makes us the target of his jokes. He teases his own kids the same way, and I don't like it. He thinks we are too sensitive.
I've gotten to the point I'm always fussing at him and he says I am always a bitch. I really think we need to separate for awhile, but he didn't agree to it until this last argument. He told me what he does is never good enough for me, so he doesn't want to be bothered anymore. I am so hurt in so many ways by what he's done. I find I don't trust him and I'm now touchy about so many things.
I truly don't know what to do. Please help, and help me to learn how to not overreact to so many things. I want to get better.
Lori
Dear Lori,
First of all, you're not overreacting, you are right. You're not being too sensitive; he's being too insensitive. You don't trust him anymore and he doesn't want to be bothered anymore, so I agree that a separation is in order. Perhaps permanently.
Let's take a look: First, a happily married man does not email a former girlfriend and tell her how much he misses her kisses and her body. Nor does his wife have to get on Facebook to see what's going on in his life.
He did not ask a woman her phone number under the pressure of others. That is, not unless your local fire department has 13 year olds as firefighters. The ridiculousness of that statement, to me, is off the charts. He expects you to believe that???
A husband who respects his wife and has nothing to hide, does not say 'f*** you' and does not call his wife a bitch. He has apologized, and I would think that's an improvement from before, but you say you don't know if you can forgive him for the past. You mentioned divorce, and he insisted that that's not an option. However, you don’t need his approval to get a divorce.
My advice is to separate to give both of you some time to think and decide what you want. If you agree to work on the marriage for it to work, you both must re-start marriage counseling and make some serious changes. You must put the past behind you while keeping your eyes and ears open.
For him, no more secrets, whether it's on Facebook or anywhere else. That means no more approaching or contacting other women as well. Everything, EVERYTHING, must be put out in the open for each to see. Then and only then can you start to re-build the relationship you used to have.
Also, he needs to come out of his back office and join the family. If he sits alone back there for hours, he could have a real problem, see my post
"Technology Addiction? Check!" and discuss it with him.
Also read
"The Family Dinner" and start implementing this into your daily routine. Remember, this is a time for all of you to sit around and talk about everything positive -- no teasing to hurt, no arguing, no insults. Just good, quality family time.
Lori, if there's a way to reconnect, then your husband must prove to you that he is putting forth every effort to save this marriage. That's very, very important. If things don't change, then I agree that a divorce is the right way to go. Your sanity and your children's well-being are at stake. Whatever happens, I sincerely wish nothing but the best.
Dr. Archer
