Does Colleen Need Closure With Her Cheating Boyfriend?

5 Comments

Lola

1/22/2012 12:23:05 PM

It's a wonder men and women ever get together at all. Because of those biological reasons Dr. Archer stated about proliferation of the species and why men think it's best to spread their seed for the survival of their genes, I've had debates where men have said, "Well, if we can't help it, then why do you blame us for cheating?"

Here's why: Despite the primitive proliferation instincts, and although a man may seek to marry a different type of woman than he has been dating for decades and may be fostering some idea that he can qualify her as better mother material than the ones he has most in common with (even though eyewitness accounts indicate that most have no idea what a mother actually spends her day doing), it seems mainly a delusion. In reality, many women are not being chosen for parenting skills but because the woman is blond or built like a brick sh*thouse OR, very often, because they are someone they wistfully envision as mild enough to be content at home taking care of the children, asking very little of them, and asking very few questions so that they are free to graze free-range should the urge strike them strongly enough. Men are frequently bitterly disappointed to discover that their assessment turned out to be wrong on that last point.

That's the cheaters who appear to give it some thought. On the other hand are those who, either by design or by simple neglect to use birth control, impregnate virtually anyone on the street who is willing.

In the middle are the "lucky ones" whose natural instincts actually do draw them to someone mutually compatible and who have intentions of remaining faithful and taking care of their families, once they make the commitment. This subspecies seems to be endangered.

Now, I've seen propaganda written in gentlemen's magazines that purports that the very fact a man is attracted physically to certain women's shape is a good indicator she is a good bet as a healthy childbearer and good mother. Inconveniently, the evidence suggests otherwise, since the act of mating and having children is clearly not even close to being a guarantee that someone is a good mother OR a good male provider. That's one of the reasons why we have a huge divorce rate, Child Protective Services, Welfare, Food Stamps, garnishment of paychecks for child support, neglect, abuse, babies born addicted, bullies at school, and overcrowded prisons.

The act of a woman holding out for someone who has money doesn't guarantee he will be a good father (in fact, more likely an absentee one), and the act of choosing a woman for her perceived mothering abilities doesn't guarantee that she will be able to handle the responsibilities and stress of motherhood or be equipped to outsmart a 10-year-old. So I guess what we're left with as far as "spreading the seed" is an instinct to breed quantity not quantity in order to continue a lineage of -- well, nothing special. It all seems to me, in the 21st Century, very much a conscious excuse for married men and single fathers to continue justifying getting their rocks off with a variety of women while trying to look respectable at work by having a photo of the wholesome family on the desk.

And yes, yes, I have noticed that despite 15 years of bottomless bowls of food available to my cat, she still enjoys torturing and leaving for dead everything that moves that she can get her paws on. I'd like to think some of the men I've known weren't quite as simply programmed as cats are and that they might override their no-longer-needed drive to breed in numbers. After all, we are a species that have the capability of doing and have been known at times to do as many other species of animals do and purposefully have fewer children during hard times. This, too, is a valid biological option for survival of the species. Sadly, it is not as conducive to getting laid by the disingenuous who apparently don't consider birth control an option. And so here we are.

Gentlemen, if you know you do not want to faithful, don't get married, and be honest that you will not be committed, and then if a woman still wants to carry your genes forward, it is her choice.

Bottom line, women have emotions and want more out of a man than a good provider. In their heart of hearts, they are still stalking the illusive beast who can care as much about them as they are capable of caring and whose desire not to hurt them by betraying them once they make the commitment will override their desire for variety -- not just so they can feel safe in bringing children into the world, but because they want someone who is equal to them emotionally and empathetically, someone who deserves their love. Otherwise, I say, in our overpopulated world, then what IS the point?

marcia

1/22/2012 2:45:20 PM

I would also take the 'other woman's reaction' as a guide. She found out he was cheating on her with you, and instead of crying, she even said 'thank you for the warning'. That sounds like no surprise, she already nearly knew. Her reaction is similar to yours. You already know, and yet you are wondering whether to call it over or not. It is neither hot, nor cold. He is the type who can't get more involved. The casual type of relationship, as you described, is what he is used to having. What he will keep having. With more than one woman. Probably he doesn't want to feel imprisoned in a relationship, by staying with one person. But these are his feelings. What about your goals? You are clearly not happy with such a person. Maybe you think, being 40 should rather make you more tolerant etc. But I think it is the opposite. Do you want to date around for the next 10 years until you find someone? Probably not. So you should be even briefer, than when you were younger. If they are unsuitable, you will be smart to toss them off immediately. There is no time to waste. And if you aim for marriage, or living together etc, you should also make it clear, so that you don't lose your time. Maybe 10 men will leave by hearing this upfront, but the 11th will stay, and he will be the one. It similarly happened to my cousin. He is 40 and having been disappointed he had said he would never marry. Until his friends wanted to 'bring' yet another girl for him to see. He went, half-hearted, saying 'tell her, it's only for friendship, nothing more'. But when those 2 met, realized, it was like they were cut out for each other. They immediately both said they wanted to date. Within a year they got married, because they both found what they wanted, and they both have had their past disappointments as a guide. Both unlucky before, and both lucky instantly. And, if they hadn’t clicked from the first meeting, there would be no second meeting. They were both mature in their approach. It worked! This approach will save you time (and certainly tears)!

DDA

1/28/2012 12:40:01 AM

I also discuss this on my newt Gingrich blog.

Colleen

2/14/2012 8:48:17 AM

Thank you to those who replied. I'm still trying to let go of the relationship, though it is difficult--especially wondering if he is still with the other woman. Although he is somewhat financially successful (so am I), she can offer a lifestyle of great wealth and status that I know is very alluring to him. She is recently divorced from a long-term marriage from a high-profile man who is a known cheater.
Marcia: I never thought of her reaction as being one of no surprise. You're probably right, she has either known or suspected.
Of course I want and have earned more from a relationship, but damn it is difficult when your heart is wrapped around somebody. I have reason to believe he is "following" me in some way. A few weeks after the break up, he called and threatened to send very private information to a man I had been on one date with. How he knew this man's first and last name is beyond me, since my ex and I do not run in the same social or professional circles. Also, there have been a few late night "blocked" phone calls with a disguised voice---I know it was my ex. This is all such childish games for a man who is now in his 50s. But still, the heartache for me continues ...

DDA

2/16/2012 1:35:12 AM

Be careful, Colleen. Childish can turn into dangerous rather quickly.
If you think he is behind this, a restraining order may be necessary to
prevent stalking.