Dear Dr. Archer,
In September of 2010 I found the proof that my husband of 21 years had been having a long term affair with an old high school girlfriend he had reaquainted with on Facebook.
That's not all. After confronting him and going to marriage counseling, he also confessed that he watched porn for hours a day, and had been with several hookers.
I was devastated, but through counseling I decided to try and work things out. Then, it happened again! I discovered he was still having an email affair with the old girlfriend, who lives in another state.
While he was having the affair, they were each traveling to see each other. She told her husband she was going to see family, he told me he was going for job interviews.
I put spyware on his computer and found all the dirty details. I confronted him again, and he had the nerve to tell me that she didn't want him anymore so he wanted to stay with me. I finally took the spyware off and destroyed the CD. I thought if I just let him do his thing and I'd do mine, I would get over him.
Problem is, I can't get over him. I wish I would never have removed the spyware. He will not let me see what he is doing on his computer or phone. He has complete control over all of our bills; he pays for everything.
I don't even have my own car. We share a vehicle, but he uses it during the day for work. I can use it later, but I also work for him from home. I am so screwed! I'm a psychological mess and don't know what to do.
Anne
Dear Anne,
Since your husband has made it clear that he doesn't care what you think regarding the contact with his high school flame and that he's going to do what he wants to do, then you have two options. You can live with the suspicion and obsession of wondering when and if he's talking to her and what they're saying, or you can leave.
The spyware is gone because you took it off, but really, Anne, is that any way to live? When the trust is gone, what is left? Your imagination can run wild as you wonder what he's doing at work, why he's late coming home, what he's doing on the computer, who he's talking with on the phone..... the list goes on and on. And the stress builds and builds. Is this what you want for your future?
Let's say she really did tell him she didn't want him anymore. It could be another lie or it could also be the truth -- the fact remains that he did not turn his back on her in order to remain with you. It was her choice to end it, not his. Again, what does that say about where he prioritizes your marriage?
The choice is yours, but in my mind it’s a no brainer. LEAVE……NOW! You can get over him if that's what you want. If you keep telling yourself you can't get over him, then you won't. You know what needs to be done here, and have no excuse not to do it.
Regardless of whether you file for divorce or stay, your future depends on your decision. Take a look way at the way you're living right now. This is the way it's going to be next week, next year and for years to come. If you cannot trust him now, why would you think things would change?
Consider your options carefully, Anne. This is a long, long life to be wishing you had spyware on your spouse. A long life, indeed. Keep us posted and good luck.
Dr. Archer
