Dear Dr. Archer,
I've spent years looking for advice for my specific relationship issues, but I haven't found any with satisfactory answers. I hope you can help me.
My boyfriend and I have been together for five years and for the last three years, he has been unhappy with me. We broke up a few months ago, then got back together. He even proposed marriage to me. Six months later, he wants out again. We're both poor college students, five years apart. I'm the younger one, and we have depended on each other for survival.
When things are in crisis mode we get along fine, but when everything is good, we tend to argue almost every day. I have borderline personality disorder, which makes me very difficult to deal with.
Before, I was quick to anger, depressed, needy, overly sensitive to criticism, paranoid, and somewhat manipulative. Since then I've gone to therapy and changed significantly for the better.
My main problem now is that I tend to be forgetful, which grates on his nerves. I describe myself as a pragmatic, yet an optimistic person, and this often clashes with his negative, complaining demeanor.
He feels the need to criticize almost everything, which makes me and everything else not good enough. He can aptly be described as a perfectionist and a control freak, which can be a real downer for me.
Our relationship is based on a very strong friendship. We consider each other a best friend, and we have amazing physical chemistry. It's just that we keep having the same arguments over and over about his negative, critical attitude.
It basically boils down to, "You're too critical!" and "You're too sensitive!" It's so frustrating that this arguing has come between a once very good relationship.
He keeps telling me he's unhappy because he ultimately wants to be a "free agent" - meaning he wants to know what it's like to be completely autonomous and date around.
He also says he feels he carries most of the responsibility in our relationship, yet he always feels the need to interfere with what I'm doing to ensure that I'm doing my task correctly. *Sigh.*
I honestly think he's stuck in his own head. He's rigid, and I think he's throwing a good person away. I never felt as though he loved me as much as I loved him. I changed, for myself and for him, but he doesn't want to change his perfectionist ways, even though that hurts me. He just wants me to accept him as is, and yet in his eyes, I'm the one who isn't good enough for him and needs to change!
He lives by these unfair double standards, always has to be right, and when I call him out on this, he just thinks it's my biased opinion. It's a shame he behaves this way because otherwise, he's a very thoughtful, considerate, smart, and sweet person.
What is going on here? Why am I not good enough? Why should I have to make the sacrifices while he just sits there? At the moment I'm kind of stuck with him due to finances, but should I just try to get out anyway, or can this be worked out?
Anna
Dear Anna,
If this has been going on for five years, why in the world would you think he would change now? This is yet another appropriate letter to reinforce the best way to predict future human behavior: "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior."
As much as I hate to say it, Anne, if your boyfriend/best friend has been stuck on changing you and your faults while insisting you accept him as he is, it's going to remain that way. Unless magically, all of a sudden, he sees the double standard and how ridiculous it is -- but don’t hold your breath.
Besides the above, he’s also giving you mixed signals. He proposed, yet wants to be a free agent? Accept him while you make changes he wants? He wants to do things his way while watching you to make sure you do it the right way? Really? He is the description of a hypocrite.
Is this really what you want in life? Is this what you want to wake up everyday to and go to sleep with day in and day out, year after year? The only way this would ever work is if HE acknowledged his many flaws and decided to change. I just don't see that happening.
Anne, it's one thing to make changes to better yourself, but you should never have to conform to someone else’s standards just to be accepted. I think he thrives on the drama -- you say you get along better when you're both in crisis mode? Right.. Again, is that what you want?
Don't make the mistake of seeing your boyfriend/best friend as you WISH he would be. Open your eyes and take it all in and see things as they truly are. This is it; do you like it?
My advice: I suggest you cut the ties here, cut your losses and return to your family. Get back on your feet and rely on yourself for a while before getting back into another relationship.
Get to know yourself, get your priorities straight and you will be much, much better off than what you're going through now. I sincerely wish you much success and the right love in your future. Best of luck.
Dr. Archer
