Dear Dr. Archer,
I'm a 40 year old male. Medical problems and the economy, forced me out of business. With two sons, ages 12 and 4, I am now a stay at home father. My wife and I have been together for 17 years, and we've been married for 13 of those years.
For a long time, when she got home I would step back and let her spend time with the children, and I began online gaming. Because I rarely left the house except to run errands, I was using the Internet to talk to people for my social life. When she expressed her feelings, all I heard was nag, nag, nag, and quite frankly, I was not there for her.
I recently discovered she’s been having an affair with a co-worker for about two months. When I asked her about it she said they were friends and that it never got physical, but she wanted it to, and that she fantasized about him. I told her I was willing to forgive her, but she had to make sure that it was over. She said she was willing to work on our marriage.
In the meantime, she still talked to him for a month, and then I confronted him. He said it was all her, and that it never got physical. That is when I asked her to leave, and she was gone for two days and then returned.
I found his number on her new pre-pay cell phone she bought while she was gone. We talked some more, and that's when I found out that it did get physical. She showed remorse and said she was sorry for what she had done to me and the boys.
I believed her to some degree, but how can I believe her fully after all the lies? Since the day I confronted him, she said he has broken off the affair, but the way she acts, it's like she didn't want it to end. She still acts emotionally disconnected from me, but not so much with the boys, thank God.
I've kept a positive attitude through the whole ordeal for the most part, for the children's sake, and have been as nice as I can be to help her get this behind us. I realize I can't change what has happened and that I just have to accept it and forgive it.
She still doesn't act like she wants to be here, and it bothers me that she shows no effort around the house. I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry.... everything. She goes to work and talks to him every day, and it bothers me.
How can she ever get over it if she didn't want it to end, and she's still talking to him every day? How am I supposed to know if it's really over between them or if she's just here until she finds someone new?
I asked her what she needed and wanted from our marriage, and she said she didn't know. This is a psychological nightmare for me, and I'm not sure where to go from here.
Aaron
Dear Aaron,
Your letter can serve as a warning for every couple who reads it. When you're in a committed relationship and your significant other indicates that they need more than what they're getting, stop what you're doing and give them your time. If they don't get emotional support at home, they will eventually look for it somewhere else.
Your mistake was leaving her alone with the boys when she got home and then starting your private online life, whatever that entailed. I’m certainly not blaming you; she’s the one who cheated and that’s far worse than what you did. But, if you want to keep your family intact and if you truly love your wife, then there is work to be done on both sides.
There's no guarantee she's not still having the affair. If she says she's not, then difficult as it may be, you must believe her. You are going to have to decide if you can forgive her, and I mean really forgive her.
If the answer is yes, then you're going to have to trust her. If you cannot do this, Aaron, then it's over. For her part, she must decide if she wants to remain married or not, and if she's not fully committed, then again, it's over. If both of you are willing to work, the marriage can be saved. It’s that simple.
If both of you are willing to put the time and effort into the family, then act like a family. When she gets home, don't disappear on her, but interact with her and the boys. This will bond, not separate. At dinnertime, put everything aside and eat together at the table, like I discuss in
"The Family Dinner". Remember that when everyone is at the table the mood stays light and fun.
Get out of the house together as a family. In the evenings, take a walk around the neighborhood or go out for ice cream. Go to the zoo or park on the weekends. Family time, family time, family time. Do something fun and constructive every day together, even if it’s just putting a puzzle together or playing a game.
I suggest you also read a similar story from Grant in
"My Wife Had An Affair With A Co-Worker". There's work to be done in this family, but the work doesn't have to be painful; it can actually be fun. Enjoy each other; that's what family is all about.
If more help is needed, I strongly suggest you both seek marriage counseling. If you work together, this can actually strengthen your marriage and make it stronger than before. It just needs both of you to want it and that is the big question here - do you both want to save the marriage? Best of luck to all of you.
Dr. Archer
