Dear Zach,

The thing that makes your situation much worse is that you're deployed, fighting for your country. You do not need this added to your plate. So, let's see if we can right something that has gone terribly wrong. A compromise is what’s needed, so here we go:

 

Here’s what you need to tell your parents:

 

***Be respectful, kind and welcoming. Your parents must take the lead and BE NICE. You're deployed; your parents should include your wife in family gatherings and activities as much as possible. They should be kind and not critical. Don't be afraid to compliment! If everyone works towards the same goal, there are no losers, only winners.

 

***Be fair! They must treat your wife as a daughter. IF they change their attitude, they will be able to reap the benefits by enjoying their grandson.

 

***Respect boundaries. If she can't make it to their house one day, that's fine; another day will do. Be flexible, not overbearing. When you are in town, they need to also respect decisions you and your wife make together.

 

Now, some things to tell your wife:

 

***Be open to advice. Yes, I understand she's an adult, and may see advice as interference, but ask her to listen to what your parents have to say. Even if her response to a suggestion is "I'll take that into consideration," then no one gets hurt and suggestions can be offered. Maybe it's a great suggestion that will work! Just be open, that's all I'm saying. 

 

***Be sure to visit when it's good for everyone. A visit doesn't have to be long and unpleasant. A nice short visit is great, much better than a long one if you're not having fun. 

Also, ask your wife to call your parents any time the baby reaches a new milestone. It's the next best thing to telling you directly and they would appreciate it so much. This will win brownie points and who knows she may even start to get more comfortable calling them or going over. 

 

***Allow the granparents some babysitting time. There's plenty of love to go around, especially where the little grandson is concerned and this can free your wife up for some personal time.

Finally, a couple of things you need to do:

***Never criticize your wife to your parents. They are naturally faithful to you, so take care here. If you and your wife have a problem, do not discuss it with your parents. Adult or not, you're their child; it will just cause hard feelings towards her and negate any positive steps made.

***Ask your parents and your wife to please do this, not only for you, but for your son. If you point blank ask them to do this, you might be surprised that they all put forth more effort.

 

I truly hope your wife and parents can come to an understanding and that means everyone gets along. There's a beautiful little boy at the center of this conflict and surely everyone wants what's best for him. 

That means your parents no longer say immature and hurtful things about your wife; she puts forth the effort to let your son get to know his grandparents; and last but not least, everyone puts forth their best effort to form a tightly knit family for the sake of the child. 

An apology would be good from your parents and a gracious acceptance from your wife would help. Let bygones be bygones to start fresh with this new year. 

 

Zach, I would like nothing more than for you to come home to a family where everyone loves and respects each other. I sincerely wish you all luck. Be safe and have a great new year.

Dr. Archer