Dear Dr. Archer,
You may think my problem is silly, but it's not silly to me. I am a 29 year old woman, and have been married to my 30 year old husband for the last year. My husband and I were seeing each other for three years before we married.
We were both working in another country, and although I had not met his family, they were not very happy with the idea of their son marrying me, as I'm from a different religion.
For those three years, his mother would call him on the phone, arguing, yelling and crying not to marry me. He is scared of his mother, even though he's close to her. They finally agreed to the marriage because I changed my name and religion in order to be accepted by his family. This was not an easy choice for me, but that is how much I love my husband.
I felt so alone during that time, because I did not tell my family what was going on. It was only after his parents found out I changed my religion and name did they agree to meet me and my family. We had a simple ceremony a few days later, with just the parents, his brother and my sisters.
So far, everything has been perfect between me and my husband, but things are different when we're with his family. He acts like he doesn't even like me! When we're in the car, he tells me to sit in the back so his mother can sit in the front with him, so she can make sure he drives safely. My husband is a safe driver! She tells me how much her son loves her, even acting like I'm a rival, although she speaks nicely to me when others are around.
When my family met my husband's family for the first time, it was very awkward. My father-in-law has no say in his own house. At one point he tried to say something and my mother-in-law yelled, "You just shut up! I decide how things should happen in this house; there should only be one voice in this house and that's mine! You shut up!"
My family felt so badly for him; we just met them! My father felt terrible, but my husband told me to mind my own business when I said something to him.
For my mother-in-law's birthday I sent a cake and present to her house. She was excited and thanked me. I did the same for my brother-in-law, and nothing was said negatively.
I then sent a birthday cake and gift to my father-in-law for his birthday, and she called me, screaming how dare I send a gift to her house without her permission. I was shocked, but remained on the phone, listening to her rant, until my husband came and took the phone. He has never talked about that incident, and I dare not bring it up.
I was brought up in a loving family. My father was a loving man with principles and values, and I can't remember one instance when he yelled at me. I wanted to accept my mother-in-law as my second mom, but now that is just impossible.
My husband is especially close to his mother, and spends hours speaking to her over the phone every day. After we were married, I always made sure I treated his family with love and affection, and consider them as my own family.
We both work and get home every evening between 6:30 - 7:00 p.m., after which my mother-in-law calls, and they'll speak for about one or two hours. In fact, she will call multiple times during the day, every day, up to 15 times! On weekends they will spend 3 to 4 hours a day on the phone!
We recently took a trip to Switzerland, and he spent more than half the time calling, texting and sending her pictures, telling her how wonderful everything was. If he got involved in something and forgot to call, she would call him and ask why he didn't call her. I'm really tired of this!
It never bothered me in the beginning, but these days, when I realized it was going to be a regular thing and that it seriously reduced the amount of time we got to spend together, it really started getting on my nerves.
He says she's worried about him, and that's why she calls, to be sure he's fine. I don't understand the logic. She doesn't get it that our marriage needs some privacy. She will even call at midnight and 1:00 in the morning!
I also came to realize that my husband sleeps with his mother often. I don't know if this is normal, but I know it's not normal at my place. The first morning after I visited my husband's house after we were married, his mother was repeatedly telling me how he went to her in the night to ensure she was fine and that no one else was sleeping with her! I've never heard of a 30 year old man sleeping with his mother to make sure she's okay.
I find this very awkward, but don't want to overreact and spoil our otherwise good marriage just because of this. I'm confused. Could you advise me whether I need to speak to him and tell him I feel his behavior is not normal, or should I ignore it and make myself believe everything is just fine?
Shivangi
Dear Shivangi,
First of all a 30 year old man that sleeps with his mother is a big problem and this means you have a big problem. I can say this, if you say nothing, then nothing will ever change. You can't ignore what is going on and believe that everything is fine, because everything is not fine.
Your husband is ruled by his mother. He may be 30 years old, but he is emotionally immature. I know he doesn't want to talk about his family, but if he doesn't stand up to his mother soon, she will always rule him. Otherwise, Shivangi, unless you divorce him, I'm afraid this will be your life. This may not be salvageable, but here’s what you must do to have a chance.
You need to have a talk with your husband and set some rules. First, no more sleeping with his mother - never again. Next, no phone calls after 9:00 p.m. unless it's a true emergency. When you are in the car, your place is next to him. Mother can be a back seat driver, but she can do it from the back seat. Period. Limit her calls to five a day AND no more than an hour total a day. I still think that's excessive, but at least it's a start.
You get the idea. If he cannot start standing up to his domineering mother, then he is choosing her over you, and you will leave. Now, Shivangi, keep in mind if you make this ultimatum, you must be willing to carry it through. Never make an ultimatum just to hear yourself talk. Carry out the consequence or remain quiet. The choice is yours.
I must say, you've got your work cut out for you, and you may have a very, very tough decision to make. I wish I had better news, but that's the way this is. I just hope your husband realizes what a jewel of a wife he has and decides to make YOU his priority. You deserve nothing less. I hope your new year works out for the best.
Dr. Archer
