Dear Dr. Archer,
My parents have always taken turns focusing against one of us at a time (their four children) and our families and put down everything we are doing. Then they'll move on to the next child and do the same. Sometimes this can last for years, sometimes just days.
We have all banded together to help each other and understand this will pass and that, once again, we will be in their good graces. I'd just like to know why my parents do this. They will get really hateful, saying we're not good parents, we don't have good jobs, etc. It's almost like gossip only they single out one of us at a time and then talk to the others about that one.
They also hate their neighbors and fellow workers. They seem bitter with life, and yet they each has had decent lives. Both of them were only children. The older they get the more help they need, and it is very difficult to stay with them and listen to negativity about my brothers and sisters.
With just this little bit of information, what psychological reason would turn them against their own children for no reason?
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
No idea why your parents act the way they do. You say they each have had decent lives, but maybe they don’t perceive their lives as decent. Perhaps they are just two very negative, pessimistic individuals who are not happy no matter how good the situation. It could be that they want to be the center of attention, so find it difficult to give credit to others.
Clearly, it's not just their children that they find fault with, but also neighbors, friends and co-workers. It sounds like they both are simply miserable with life. When they criticize others, this makes them feel better about their own life. But with such little information, I can’t say for sure and actually it’s not important to know why they do it, but rather that they stop it.
What I'd like to see you and your siblings do is get together and write a letter to your parents, telling them from your point of view what they are doing. Be sure to provide examples and certain circumstances to highlight your point.
Let them know how uncomfortable this has made you all feel, and that you all want nothing more than for everyone to get along, without hard feelings and without pointing fingers. All four of the siblings need to sign the letter, and hand deliver it -- no spouses or grandchildren; just the four children.
Don't just pop into their house though, Sarah. Set a day and time with your parents in advance. Keep the mood even; no pointing fingers, accusations or raised voices. This is to let them know their behavior has hurt throughout the years, and as they age you all would like to be able to be as close as possible; no more insults. Let them talk; it would be interesting to hear what they have to say.
Remember, your parents have been behaving like this their whole lives, so it may be something that will be very difficult to overcome, but if they take it in the right spirit, it will be possible.
I truly hope this does the trick, because as you say, they're getting older and as time continues, they're going to need you all more and more. It would definitely be best if you could care for your aging parents without the negativity. I sincerely wish you much luck.
Dr. Archer
