Dear Dr. Archer,
When I was a little girl of 5, my daddy returned to his country and I missed him terribly. We never spoke again until I tried to find him by calling his country and asking if someone could please help me find him. I always had missed him; I never felt safe since he left.
One year later, he got in touch with his children. He cried terribly on the phone and told us how much he suffered without us all these years! Soon after that phone call, I flew to his country; I was 16. It was like a dream seeing him at the airport -- I had dreamed for this day to come true and it did.
He had sex with me the first night I was with him. He said it was okay because in other cultures it's normal. I was as willing as he was to do it, so it continued for more than a year.
Every time before we would have sex, he would make me write on a piece of paper that I wanted to do this. I knew it was because he would go to jail if I ever told anyone, but I never did. I was in love with him and he was so in love with me.
After a year I could no longer take being in love with my father and his obsessiveness. I hated myself for doing this with him; I just wanted to be a daughter, not his lover.
I wanted my father back, but not in an incestuous way. Dr. Archer, over 20 years have passed, and I still think of what psychological effect this has had on me.
Do I sleep around because I slept with my father and liked doing so? I wonder if I should bring him to justice. He always said we were in love with each other because we longed for each other and this is how we expressed our love.
He hates me now because I left him; I wonder if this is why sometimes I want to die, why I don't like myself.
Thank you for listening to my story and last but not least, should I tell Dr. Phil and hide my face or have him arrested since I was under age? I feel no anger towards him at all. Thank you again, Dr. Archer.
Mya
Dear Mya,
Having such an emotionally incestuous relationship with your father has certainly affected you psychologically. Because of this experience it's no wonder you find it difficult to set boundaries with others and have sexuality issues. Also, low self esteem is commen in cases such as yours, as you blame yourself for what happened.
You were 16 at the time, Mya, and unable to consent to any sexual relationship, much less with your father. No ifs, ands or buts about it, he preyed upon you. To you, this was your beloved father whom you idolized as a child and missed growing up and you wanted so badly to reconnect.
He took advantage of that and used it to his own sick advantage. No blame falls to you. He is the perpetrator, while you were the victim.
At this point in your life, I strongly suggest counseling to come to grips with what happened to you. Look for a therapist who specializes in child sexual abuse. I would not press charges, at least not now, against your father. It’s been twenty years and the focus needs to be on you healing first and foremost.
You have many emotional conflicts going on that you must settle. Once you make progress there and are able to make progress with your own life, then you and your therapist can figure out if it would be in your best interest to bring him to justice.
Keep in mind you did not indicate where he lives and different countries have different laws. It may be difficult in another country to get this case brought to trial. As for now, concentrate on you.
You can read
"The Survivor Mindset" where I talk about sexual assault, abuse and incest. You have made it this far, Mya. Concentrate on putting this behind you. The way to do this is to work closely with a therapist you trust.
I sincerely wish you a happy and secure new year. Make it count!
Dr. Archer
