Dear Dr. Archer,
I'm 44 years old, and my husband is 45. My son is 24 and fell madly in love with a girl who never had guidance in her life. Her family situation is a mess, and she is presently on probation for two charges against her. I know of one time that he bailed her out of jail.
At the beginning of their relationship we all felt badly for her and tried to help her achieve some goals. She doesn't have a diploma, nor a GED, no driver's license and no job. She has cheated on him in the past - a lot, but he's so infatuated with her, he's forgiven her time after time.
She's also very violent towards him. She broke a picture frame over his head, I took pictures of scratches she gave him, she has punched him in the face numerous times, yet he's still talking to her. Once the violence started, we told him she was no longer welcome in our home.
Dr. Archer, I married my husband when I was 18, and we are still together. We have never had any issues of this kind, and it's very difficult for me to understand what's going on. My husband and I only had two fights in our 26 years of marriage. Our daughter is married and we have a grandson, and our family is very close.
We kicked our son out of the house and he went to live with her until last week, when she took off for with her ex. My son stayed there with her parents, because he was too ashamed to call us. We let him move back in a few days ago, BUT last night he went back to her and slept at her house. He is blind, but my anger and hurt is rapidly growing.
I know if she would stop talking to him, he would move on, but she keeps pulling him into her devious ways. Last time when he was punched in the face he called the law, but then he didn't want to press charges.
We stopped helping him, so he is now paying for all his and her bills. We made him sign an agreement to pay for the truck we gave him, and at this point I stopped caring if he has insurance on his vehicle or not.
I so desperately need help as to how to deal with this situation that is tearing this family apart. He didn't call his sister back when she and her husband tried to help him.
This girl told him she loved him but is not "in love” with him and she said she is afraid that one day she might hit him over the head and kill him. I am crying, and I hurt so much I am to the point where my anger and hurt feelings are turning to hate towards my son.
I have anxiety so bad and I'm afraid of the unknown. I need psychological HELP to deal with this situation; I can't function anymore.
I don't want to see my son in jail or dead. I thought about calling her probation officer -- I know they get high and I know she is addicted to pills and who knows what else.
My son is like a stranger now and we used to be so close. I had the flu a few weeks ago and the doctor prescribed a liquid vicodin syrup. One day he stopped by the house to pick up some clothes, and without me seeing him, he poured and stole half of the syrup. So now I don’t know if he is stealing more things from us. I don’t' trust him.
I am so sorry for this lengthy story, but I covered most of it. Thank you so much for your services and for all the help you provide for all the people in their time of need.
Michelle
Dear Michelle,
Partner abuse against men is an area of research that has been sorely neglected. It is now starting to get more attention because the incidence of women abusing their male counterparts is rapidly increasing. Now, let's slip into the mind of the abused male for a moment.
The man who has been scratched, kicked, punched, slapped, humiliated and degraded has had his self-esteem stomped and rubbed into the ground. The shame is immense - he’s been beaten up by a woman - and feels he’s not strong enough to defend himself, which just increases shame even more.
He feels no one could possibly understand, except maybe another man who has been through the same thing. He considers his partner to be a wonderful person -- she just lashes out once in a while -- so feels things will get better eventually.
Almost half the men experience depression, stress and psychological distress. Finally, Michelle, these guys remain in the relationship because they don't feel they can endure the snickering, sarcasm and embarrassment they'll face if they leave. Everyone will think of him as weak, so it's easier to grin and bear it because he's too ashamed to seek help.
Your son is not the enemy here, Michelle, let's get that out in the open right now. That said, you have tried your best to be the good parent, trying to reach out to your son. He has ignored or refused the help, so now it's time to let go.
You and your husband need to sit your son down and tell him you can no longer take the emotional toll this has caused your family Don't sugarcoat this; tell him your 26 year marriage is breaking up over this.
Let him know he is loved, and if he wants to help himself then you're there to help him get back on his feet. BUT, if he wants to remain at your house, he must stop all contact with this girl. AND, he must take out a restraining order as well.
I suggest you or your husband go with him to the courthouse and the judge with your photos to back up the claim of domestic violence. She will be served notice of the restraining order, and if she contacts him in any way, shape or form, in person, by phone, email, text or smoke signals, then call the police. She will be held in contempt of court, and I seriously doubt she will want that, considering she's already on probation.
If your son refuses to give her up, then I'm sorry to say that's when tough love will have to come into play. As difficult as this will be, Michelle, you will need to tell him to get all of his things out of the house. Let him know you will be changing the locks, and if he tries to break in you will immediately call the police. If he does, follow through. A night or two in jail won't kill him, and it might be exactly what he needs.
You've done everything you should and could have done, Michelle, but then there comes a time where he must do for himself. That time is now. I know this is almost unbearable, but remain strong for a bit longer. I am hoping this is what it takes to shock him into the reality of the situation.
You've done all you can at this point, Michelle. He's a 24 year old adult male, so he must assume responsibility for himself, NOW! I'd like you to place the serenity prayer in your home where you'll see it every day. On the bathroom mirror, the refrigerator, above your stove, on the dash of your car and next to your computer.
It goes like this and you don’t have to be religious to learn from it, "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."
One final thought to consider is that he has a drug problem which would explain a lot of this behavior. You don’t mention this, but stealing Vicodin is indeed a red flag. Keep an eye out for other symptoms as well and confront him when you have your talk if indicated.
After a while, please let me know how you and your family are doing with an update. Warm regards.
Dr. Archer
