Dear Dr. Archer,
A recent post on your blog about corporal punishment reminded me to ask your opinion on what I've recently heard about the current thinking on discipline. I was shocked to hear a popular talk show host/internist agree with this current theory.
The way I understood the guest, to punish your child you should remove their toy, video game or whatever it is they value as punishment, but you only do it for no longer than 2-3 days because you don't want to do it long enough that the child learns to live without it, because then you will no longer be able to use that as a discipline tool!
This thinking seems to be clearly a result of the trend to overcompense children, buying them everything they want, using toys and videos as a substitute babysitter, leaving you with only one card to play when you need to discipline. In this case, the entire parent/child exchange has become a materialistic one about acquiring things.
I don't disagree that you remove things as discipline, but I thought the idea that you want to keep them dependent on them was just outrageous. Shouldn't you build some other currency with your child other than materialism?
There's an old quote that the measure of a man is not what he can live with but what he can live without. The idea of entire generations being dependent on virtual realities instead of going outside and getting their hands in the dirt and climbing trees with friends, I just find kind of sad.
The other aspect that bothered me is I don't see how it really does any good to remove one of the many computerized toys, phones, or games temporarily, while leaving the child all the rest of his many options to instead turn to.
It seems to me that it's not punishment unless you cut everything off temporarily, OR turn one big thing off permanently, and demand something more of them than to sit in their room and sulk afterwards.
In my generation, this would have been the equivalent of telling me I couldn't watch TV for two days, but could read instead, which I enjoyed just as much, or telling me I couldn't ride my horse, but I could ride my motorcycle.
I just don't see how this is going to accomplish anything. Making a child cut off all communications or all mindless pastimes and having him instead sweep up leaves, to me, seems a more effective method, and one which more closely bears relevance to the real world as an adult.
But then again, I don't have children. What do you think, Dr. Archer?
Lola
Dear Lola,
The purpose of withholding a valued object is to make that child think about the consequences that followed because of the negative behavior. This works great for a young child, not as well with an older one but it is still effective if done for the right reasons.
I do believe that all punishment needs to be brief, not because the child will learn to live without the special toy/device/object but rather because the initial thought only takes place over a 2-3 day span and after that resentment or even hopelessness follows and this is counter-productive.
As the child matures, I agree that taking this or that while a room full of other goodies is available as an alternative is not really a punishment. Taking away phone privileges hurts any teen, but removal of the phone AND computer is almost the end of the world.
Again, the punishment should fit the crime and the idea is for the child to think and understand why what they did was wrong. Also, I think children should have set chores to do, anyway, so those chores should of course continue.
You touched on something else, Lola. It's true that past generations spent time outside, riding bikes, climbing trees and getting hands dirty. You cannot do that in today's world.
It seems every day we hear of another child kidnapped while on their way to school, walking to a neighbor's, playing in their own front yard and even sleeping in their own bed. So, that is much more difficult today without parental supervision.
Of course, the best time to teach a child from right and wrong is when they are young and understand the word "no". This can be enforced by taking away a coveted toy. Learning early makes discipline in later years easy..... or at least easier.
When it comes to discipline, it should always be in the spirit of learning right from wrong. It shouldn't be imposed in a fit of anger, but in the spirit of shaping your child to be the best adult possible. If done for the right reasons, whatever your thinking may be, you should achieve the desired results.
The goal, in the end, is to raise a happy, secure, kind, conscientious, mature and well-balanced contributing member of society. Thanks for bringing up this important topic.
Dr. Archer
