Dear Dr. Archer,
I'm a divorced woman, with two grown children. My 26 year old son is a drug addict and lives with his alcoholic father. Before my son left my home, I let his girlfriend move in with us because she had nowhere to go. She ended up living with me for five and a half years. She got pregnant and had my granddaughter.
After they moved out, I met a wonderful man and we started dating; eventually he moved in with me. I was thrilled! What a wonderful life this was going to be.
My son was arrested for domestic violence, and his girlfriend became involved in crystal meth. She has been neglecting my granddaughter, and was recently arrested on some very serious charges.
My granddaughter gets bounced around between myself and her other grandparents, who are also divorced, so there are three sets of us that take care of her.
The huge problem is that my boyfriend, the man that I love and have given my life to, does not want my granddaughter here. He says he doesn't want to raise a 4 year old child who is obviously going to have serious abandonment issues, among other things, as time goes on.
Where does that put me? Right smack in the middle of this huge mess. I certainly don't want to raise a child either, but what choice do I have?
I don't want to lose my boyfriend, and I know it sounds absolutely horrible that I am even thinking that I should consider turning my back on my granddaughter, but that's the situation I'm in. I am so torn!
I'm in a state of anger and bewilderment. Anger at my son and his girlfriend for even having a child in the first place, anger at myself for even one minute thinking I could have a happy life. I'm bewildered that my boyfriend can say he doesn't want my granddaughter here. She is a light in my life, and I feel like he's not supporting me in this difficult time.
Please, please, please -- what should I do? And please go easy on me, please! I'm in such a fragile state of mind right now. Thank you.
Kelly
Dear Kelly,
I will go easy on you; your hurt, confusion and anguish are pouring forth from your letter, so let's take a deep breath - there. Now, let's analyze this very unfortunate situation and hopefully come to the best decision for everyone involved. The last thing we want is for you to look back at your life with regrets.
There are so many grandparents raising grandchildren these days for a number of reasons. The priority of all involved should be providing that little child, who has come from a chaotic environment, a stable home, with love, acceptance, a clean bed, healthy meals and a routine. All children, but especially those uprooted from parents, will thrive best on love, order and simplicity.
The best case scenario would be for one grandparent to have the child, with the others scheduling visits. A place the little girl can call her own, with all of her belongings will help with stability. Moving between three homes will ultimately be the hardest on her. I received a letter from K.F. who knew what was best for her little granddaughter when she wrote to me in
"My Granddaughter Needs To Live With Us!"
Talk with the mother's parents, and determine if one could have the little girl live with them. The other two could help with expenses. Also, your son needs to provide child support for his daughter. He may be a drug addict and living with his dad, but he still has a responsibility to this child. If he refuses to pay, take him to court and have the support mandated. This is a must.
If this can be worked out, Kelly, then you could have your granddaughter visit and have sleepovers. If this is not an option, and neither of the mother's parents step up to the plate, then I'm afraid you have a very, very tough decision to make, and it’s on to step two.
Let your boyfriend know that without a doubt, you love your life and that you love it with him. Simply put, you need to convince him what a great experience this little girl could be for you both.
Why not shoot for the best of both worlds -- to make a difference in your granddaughter's life, and to continue with your boyfriend. Ask him to meet you halfway, for a trial period, say 3 months. If he’ll do this, you have a chance.
Whatever you do, Kelly, be respectful; don't yell or let your emotions get the best of you, and don't tell him he's being ridiculous. He needs to know you consider his feelings valid and respected before he's going to budge. Acknowledge that things will change, but change is not necessarily a bad thing, just different.
If he gives this a chance, and I think he will if he truly loves you, be sure to give him the attention he needs. Include him in conversations and activities that you share with your granddaughter and do things with just the two of you as well. He needs to know that there IS enough love to go around, and that he will not be slighted.
I must say, I'm sorry you thought I might come down hard on you, Kelly. Your case is a very legitimate problem, and one that cannot be taken lightly. I truly hope everything works out for the best, and that your relationship with your boyfriend not only continues, but strengthens.
Please write back when things settle and let us know how you're doing. I truly care.
Dr. Archer
