Dear Dr. Archer,
For the past seven years my sister has been outrageously hateful towards our parents and two younger siblings. Being the oldest of the four, she used to listen to me when things got rough or her attitude became outrageous.
Now she is 20 years old, a junior in college, and as much as I hate to say this, she's as evil as anyone could imagine. Everything about her demeanor comes off as hateful, revolting, and just plain horrible.
It has gotten to the point where she screeches and asks us to come at her and act like we're going to hit her. My dad is a hot head, and things may have gotten a little out of control before, but luckily I was there to help prevent things from escalating further.
I don't know what to do with her whatsoever. She begins to yell and attacks everyone in the household by swearing, aggression, you name it.
My father has fallen on some tough times and it is known within my household how hard he works to try and keep our family afloat. Yet this sister finds it necessary to insult him daily, ask him why he never pays the bills -- which he does -- tells him he's not a real man, and all sorts of things you would never, ever want to hear from your daughter.
I've had talks with him where he's on the verge of tearing up, describing how he doesn't understand how his own flesh and blood could have this much hate towards him.
Every time she wants something, we try to give it to her, but then she declines and retracts her request. It's getting way too frustrating and I know I cannot live, nor allow so much unnecessary stress to burden both my parents and the rest of my family.
I probably did not give you enough information, but one of these episodes just occurred and I am still fuming and in a bit of shock.
I need some help and some psychological guidance on what to do and how to help control the situation and figure out what could have caused her to be so violent and disrespectful to the people who love her the most -- which she claims we do not. Please help.
Kass
Dear Kass,
It's hard to believe your parents have put up with this behavior for seven years! First a background, and then let's see if we can help mom and dad out.
Just because your sister is 20 doesn't mean her brain is working on an adult level. From 13 - 23 there is still plenty of development and change taking place in the human brain, both biologically and psychologically, as it fully matures. This is the transition from adolescence to adulthood and it’s a difficult transition for many.
This is one reason why many teenagers become defiant, blame others, are moody and lash out verbally and at times physically. But of course, none of this is an excuse for her behavior.
Ok, as to your problem. I find it hard to believe that hot headed dad of yours has accepted this for so long. Your sister is 20 and should live by the rules of your household that reflect the values, structure and authority within. Your sister is an adult. She may not act like it, but legally she is an adult.
Thus, this falls upon your mom and dad to set some rules to live by. They MUST set boundaries to eliminate her present outbursts. She has a false sense of entitlement that has been left unchecked. Well, time's up.
Your parents must put their expectations and consequences down on paper. A contract with your sister as to what support they will provide and what rules she must follow. The #1 rule is no cursing or disrespect of others will be tolerated. They should sign it along with your sister.
Did they provide her vehicle? I bet they did -- take the keys if she does not live up to the contract. If she ever yells at dad for not being a provider, she loses the cell phone for a week. Things don't get better? Take those car keys for a month. Think of other punishments including a reduction or outright termination of her allowance.
There's never an excuse for what you describe and I bet hitting her financially will really make that point. Most importantly, when she breaks the rules, your parents must follow through with the consequences. This will get her attention quickly.
I understand if they're scared of this tactic. It's scary! As it is now, they have accepted her boorish behavior from fear of losing her. Well, how has that worked out ? Terrible - exactly. Everyone in the family, especially mom and dad, need to realize it's never too late to sit her down and discuss the new house rules.
They can expect your sister to be very angry about this turn of events, too. She may even threaten to leave, so everyone must be prepared for that. If she does, let her go, but no more support.
State the rules, state the consequences, don't give in and don't make excuses. They can expect accusations and excuses and that's just fine. She doesn’t want to take responsibility for her life since she never had to do this before. The kindest thing your parents can do for her now is to force her to grow up.
The key now is for your parents to set those boundaries and enforce them. It'll be the best thing they ever did for her…..and for all of you. Best of luck!
Dr. Archer
