Dear Dr. Archer,
I have been divorced for about 8 years now. I have a 12 and a 14 year old daughter, and I have raised them as a single mom with very little help from their dad. They are being very rebellious and now suddenly want to live with him.
He has never been involved or even called between his weekends to check on them. He says my house is a prison because I'm so strict, but I'm the only one that has ever been there.
That makes it very difficult and I’m usually the bad guy. I had to work out of town recently so I let them stay with him. When I returned, he had filed for temporary emergency custody, which was granted.
I have not seen my girls in almost a month, and I'm awaiting court. My girls talk to me like dirt and hang up on me. This has never happened before, and there is no reason they should be so angry. Every time I have attempted to talk to their dad, he has belittled me, cursed me and then hung up on me.
I went to pick them up today and he hid them from me. They finally called and refused to tell me where they were. I do not understand what has happened to my children and why he is encouraging such behavior.
I know I'm strict, but how can a child have a say on where they will or will not go without reason? This is a psychological nightmare!
What am I to do? How can this be rectified before it completely ruins my relationship with my daughters?
Heartbroken
Dear Heartbroken,
At the ages of 12 and 14 most courts would give weight to where the girls want to live. The court would need hard evidence to go against the wishes of the girls and remove them from their father, if that is where they wish to live. However, he should be severely reprimanded for portraying you in a negative light to your own children.
Ok, what to do. First and most importantly, find a good family attorney immediately. I have no idea what’s going on but this could get ugly and you need to be prepared for a legal fight. Consult with him and let him know everything and that you suspect that their father is trashing you and brainwashing them.
Some things to consider when talking to your lawyer: A psychological evaluation of both girls, with the court to receive and review the results. Mandatory counseling for both girls. A psychological eval for both you and your husband. This should quickly get to the bottom of what he’s doing. Anything your ex has fed them will come out in counseling or via the testing, and those results can be addressed by the court.
This should never be about you or your ex. The wellness of the kids should always be the priority for both of you. So, be patient with your girls. Even though they're older, they're still under age and quite impressionable. I want you to be aware that you might -- might -- have an uphill battle if they just would prefer to live with him.
In that case you must maintain the lines of communication and do every weekend visit you are allowed. Raising kids is a marathon, not a sprint, and I suspect if he gets them, he will soon get tired of being the primary care giver for two adolescent girls. So patience on your side is mandatory both while you are going through the legal battle and afterward when you deal with the results.
In the meantime, do whatever your attorney tells you to do, and be prepared to do whatever it takes to maintain your communication with your children. The good news for you to hear is that as long as you are trying to see them and let them know constantly that you love them, your mother/daughter relationship, while strained, should not suffer any permanent damage.
Kids are much smarter than most adults realize. If you’re intentions are what is best for them, they will get it, eventually. Best of luck to you and keep us posted.
Dr. Archer
