Dear Dr. Archer,
Our son just turned 20, works part-time and is in 12th grade for the third time. We currently live in France, meaning that in order to graduate high school you have to pass this exam called the "baccalaureat" which my son has already failed twice.
My husband and I have always been the "cool" kind of parents; we never yell at him and let him do pretty much whatever he wants, as long as he tells us beforehand. Things were always great even when he started dating his current girlfriend of three years.
However, lately we've been noticing how much of a negative impact she has on our son. She always asks for things that cost an arm and a leg, like Louis Vuitton bags, and then complains about how she doesn't like it anymore once he gets them for her.
She made him spend a huge amount of money on lottery tickets for her dad who has an addiction to them. She won't let him have any alone time, and that includes study time. She always need to know where he is and calls him constantly. She is also extremely jealous and will throw tantrums every time our son would talk to another girl.
We do not want them to break up, we just want for our son see how controlling she is and to understand that he needs to find a balance between his schoolwork and his girlfriend.
We have tried talking to him about it but he always gets mad. We know that she is not the cause of him failing school but she is not helping him either. Do you have any suggestions?
Estelle
Dear Estelle,
A lesson for all parents reading your letter is to be learned here -- and it's a very, very important fact: your children are not mini-adults; they come into this world to be shaped by their parents.
You decided to shun parental responsibilities to become the "cool" parent, letting him do pretty much anything he wanted. No wonder he doesn't place importance on anything you say. It's slightly worse than a parent threatening a child with discipline and then not acting on their words. Both instances bring about the same result: they won't listen to what you say.
Now he has a girlfriend that is the exact opposite -- she tells him what to do and when to do it, and he complies. Mind you, Estelle, she doesn't force him to do anything. He chooses to buy her the Vuitton bags that he knows she will tire of; he chooses to buy lottery tickets for her dad. Notice the difference?
As it stands now, no matter what you say won't carry much weight. You can start putting the parental foot down by limiting the time his girlfriend can be at your home in order for him to have study time; he MUST graduate from high school asap.
Then come up with a list of other rules that he must comply with. You have every right because YOU ARE THE PARENT. This is your house, Estelle, and believe it or not, your son should not be the one to rule the house. If he does not respect the rules, he's an adult -- he can move out.
If he moves out, be sure he knows that he's on his own monetarily. He must start supporting himself, but you're there if he wants to talk. I wish I could offer more, but 20 years old is not the time to start teaching a child right from wrong.
It's too late to do something about your son's first 20 years, but it's not too late to start wielding parental power now. If you go along with him and this destructive behavior, then you continue to be part of the problem.
You know it is said parenting is the most difficult job, and there's a reason for it. It's much easier to be cool and let the child do what he wants, but that's not in his best interest. Hopefully, it won't be too late for your son and he will start to listen. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
