Dear Dr. Archer,
My boyfriend of two years asked me to marry him last night. I was so happy! When we went to tell my parents, my dad was clearly happy, but my mom was quiet. She has always been a bit controlling and she worries about image.
I am 35 and I'm successful. My fiancé is 44, works at a blue collar job, and takes classes at a community college. He's a wonderful guy, Dr. Archer. I've always gotten the vibe from my mom that she doesn't think he's good enough for me. It makes me angry because although he doesn't make much money, he works hard, has had the same job for 12 years and is going to school.
Most importantly, he treats me well and supports me emotionally. My fiancé even mentioned that my mom didn't seem happy about the engagement and that kills me because he's sensitive. I saw her today and she didn't mention a word about it. We are very close and I love her very much, but this upsets me, makes me angry and causes me to be sad.
My mom was also not happy when my older brother got engaged to his current wife. She also mentions to me that she doesn't think my younger brother's girlfriend is the one for him. This is taking a psychological toll on me, to be honest. Thanks for listening.
Emmy
Dear Emmy,
I can understand how this would be upsetting to you. Instead of your mom being confident that she raised you correctly, to be a mature woman with the ability to make choices for yourself, she is second-guessing the most important decision you will make in your lifetime.
We may be talking about your mother, but I can tell you that she is foolish to get caught up in the superficial qualities of anyone. Just because a guy is well educated and drives a Porsche means nothing behind closed doors. Who cares what other people think? What do you think, Emmy? If you are happy with your fiancé, that's all that matters.
A degree, a prestigious career, and a plethora of bright and shiny toys does not a good husband make. That's materialistic and means nothing. What is most important is that he treats you well and supports you emotionally. If you have been lucky enough to find that, then I say hang onto him and consider yourself way ahead of the game and very blessed as well.
I believe the best relationships are those where the couple complement each other. Your weakness is his strength and vice versa. If this is true love, and it sounds like it is, then grab that blue collar man and don't let him go. Like I say in
"Faith, Hope, Love and Gratitude", you cannot judge a person based on education, wealth or material success in life.
My advice is to have a talk with your mom and tell her everything I said here. In fact, let her read this reply. Tell her how happy you are, how much you love him and that you would like her blessing.
If your mom sees how happy you are, hopefully she will quit wondering what the neighbors may think and be thankful that her daughter found someone who loves her and will have the wonderful husband that she deserves. BUT, if she won’t come around then that is her loss, don’t let that stop you. Best wishes to you both.
Dr. Archer
