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Diane Is Writing A Book About Her Molestation - By Her Father
1/22/2012 10:00:12 PM
Dear Dr. Archer,
I'm a 45 year old survivor of sexual abuse; my father sexually abused me from the ages of 6 to 14. I am now married to a wonderful man, and his family is so important to me. 

My problem is that I have lived with this secret for so many years, I feel like I'm going to burst at an inappropriate moment. My parents are still together, and they are somewhat celebrities in our community. They have money, while my husband and I struggle week to week.

It took many years to accomplish, but I have a decent relationship with my parents, and I feel like I deserve some of the wealth for keeping this horrible family secret so they could enjoy a wonderful life. I feel as if they've magically forgotten what I've been through, and how my mother and father begged me never to tell anyone.

I am in the process of writing about my life - the good, the bad and the ugly. For me this is a real psychological healing process, because even after all these years, I still have difficult flashbacks and am having a harder and harder time looking into the eyes of my parents. 

Is it normal after all these years to have these thoughts and feelings? To all my friends and extended family, I'm the life of the party, the fun girl. To make matters worse, everyone thinks my father is so wonderful and great. If they only knew.
Diane

Dear Diane,
What you need to do is figure out why you're writing this book. Is this to help other adults who suffered childhood sexual abuse? Is it to destroy your father's standing in the community? Is it to make money? Is it to help you heal? Read "Are You Honest...... With Yourself?" to see what I mean. 

I’m a strong believer that writing can be a very powerful self-healing tool and if you are doing this book to heal and to help others, then I say bravo, society needs all the books it can get on this tragic topic. But I’m worried when you say that you feel your parents owe you money for keeping quiet. Whether you publish this book or not should not be about money. 

So, my advice is to see a therapist and explore your motives and also understand all the ramifications here. I want you to do this for the right reasons, otherwise I fear it could end in disaster for many - especially you.

Please take some time out to read other letters regarding childhood sexual abuse, such as "Overcoming Anger Issues From A Long Ago Hurt", "Caroline Is Still Haunted By Her Childhood Sexual Abuse" and "I Was Abused As A Child". 

I hope you do publish this book, Diane, and that it serves as a healing tool for you and for others. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
Posted by: Dr. Dale Archer | Submit comment | Tell a friend

Categories: Behavior Issues  |  Child Abuse  |  Family Life

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2 Comments
marcia
1/23/2012 2:46:16 PM
I sympathise with you, and think you must be a very strong woman to be able to keep such a secret for so many years! Obviously until now, you felt you had forgiven your parents, and had tried to bury this story. Why can you no longer do that now? Are you not going to be their inheritant anyway? Isn't all they have yours eventually, like it is in any loving family? Has something happened, like have they cut you out of their Will? If they have money, while you struggle, they should be helping you, no matter what the past was. They begged you to never tell anyone. That means they both feel terribly quilty. Are there no consequences for them, when you write the book? If you need revenge, then I would move away and never talk to them again. If you need to help others and free yourself, you could write it anonymously, or after they are dead. You have a lot of choices to consider. I think either choice, will bring something good.
Observer
1/23/2012 6:44:38 PM
Congratulations on working through issues of sexual abuse and being able to salvage your relationship with your father. From my own experience of doing so was significantly healing and helpful for both of us. He knew I loved him very much and likewise. This can especially help if our parents die before we do. Did you salvage the relationship out of pure love for your parents? Or did you salvage it for other reasons like hoping they would give you some of their wealth? These are questions to perhaps ponder as you make your decisions about your book.

As far as the money part goes, in my opinion, parents or not, they don't owe you money. Unless they borrowed it from you. Your parents worked hard to get where they are and earn their wages. Your parents may not offer you money because of their values such as expecting their grown adult child (or children) to work hard. With perseverance and perhaps getting a degree, or changing jobs, taking on another job, learning news skills, etc., you and your husband can begin to earn more. But I think it's a big mistake thinking that your parents owe you money because they are wealthy and for your keeping the abuse a secret. Operating from that sort of mindset will come back to haunt you in the end.

However, if you take the money part out of the equation of your situation, and you are trying to decide on whether or not to submit this book, asking yourself why you want to publish this book should provide the answer. Will it be healing to yourself, others? Good luck and take care.
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