Dear Dr. Archer,
One of my first memories is when I was about two years old; I had very bad leg cramps and my mom was holding me while dad was yelling. He wanted to put BenGay ointment on my legs and my mom was saying no. He was throwing a fit, and he stormed out of the house, slamming the kitchen door, shattering the glass.
Over the years my dad would smack me around for all kinds of things, well, just about anything it seemed. I couldn't do anything right. It was always pants down with a belt, and we would have what he called "cryin' parties." He would crack me, I'd start crying and when I'd stop, he would crack me some more. These parties would last around ten to fifteen minutes.
I can recall by age 8 I had such a hatred for my dad that in fourth grade my teacher sent a letter home to my mom. It said something to the effect that she was having trouble with me. It wasn't that I was being bad; I just seem to lose focus on everything and could never finish my work.
In one case she gave me two hours to finish a paper and I couldn't do it. It went on to say I couldn't even remember to put my name on the paper, and she said that "I couldn't even conceive the concept of subtraction."
This was fourth grade, mind you. She went on to tell mom that holding me back would do no good, and that my troubles were emotional, I needed professional help and to please get that help for me.
The result was Ritalin and Dexedrine for a few years. This was around 1968, and I continued to get smacked around until I was 13, when mom finally left him.
I'm a single father now, and at age 50 my children are ages 8 and 10. My ex just left when my youngest was four weeks old, and I've been raising them since. I've done pretty well so far, but my trouble is that I give in too easily and never discipline them like I know I should. I have never hit them -- I just can't!
I'm afraid that they might hate me as I hated my father. I don't understand how one could, at 8 years old, hate their father, but I know it's possible. How do I come to grips with this? Both of my children have abandonment issues.
Like I said, it's been okay until this point, but I know it's going to be tough to turn around and I need some helpful psychological advice badly. I hope you get an idea of what I'm trying to ask. Thank you so much.
G
Dear G,
I'm sorry you had such a traumatic childhood. How cruel of your father to make light of -- and even seem to enjoy -- something that would cause such pain and suffering that would continue to haunt his son's adult life.
First, I never advocate spanking. It's unnecessary, it's cruel, it's demeaning and it doesn't produce the best results. So, stop thinking you need to spank your kids - you don’t. Positive reinforcement for wanted behavior, with negative consequences for unwanted behavior is much, much more effective.
So, too much discipline is never called for, BUT too little discipline is almost as bad! You need to implement some sort of discipline, G, if their behavior calls for it. Otherwise they will hate you for allowing them to get away with anything they want. There will be no respect.
The role of a parent is not only to love, provide for and to protect their child, but it's also to teach them right from wrong. Done properly, your children will not only enjoy their childhood, but they will also enjoy their adult years, as well.
Because of your father's cruelty, you view discipline as a negative, which it's not. Discipline is the act of training; it's a way of improving and teaching your childlren so they learn to behave in an appropriate manner. When your child knows how to act correctly, they will be happier, more secure and more self-assured.
I'd like you to read a few letters on this subject. Hopefully it will enlighten you that to have effective discipline, a parent need never lift his hand to their child.
Any negative behavior can be modified, changed or eliminated, but you have to make the effort to do so. If you can learn to change your view of disciplining, G, you offer your children the best future possible.
So use timouts, take away a toy or privledge, have a talk with them or ground them for a short time. Also make sure to praise them whenever they do something well, the positive reinforcement is even more important than the negative.
I say these things because I've been there, done that. I have never once hit either of my two children, yet they were disciplined. I'm proud that they are two very successful, respected, popular and loving individuals, and they make me proud. Remember G, it's all about balance.
One more thing, if they show abandonment issues, talk, talk, talk to them. Let them know they can tell you anything without fear. Be sure they know that no matter what, you are there for them, and that you love them unconditionally.
If they need it, offer them counseling to get past those issues, while remaining a steadfast fixture in their lives. Show your children the right way to behave and live, and you'll spend the rest of your life satisfied with a job well done. Please heed my words; you'll never regret it. All the best.
Dr. Archer
