Dear Dr. Archer,
I'm a 20 year old woman from India. What disturbs me most of all is the parental pressure which is put on me, especially from my own mother. At times I might even feel suicidal, and these feelings have recently increased because of her.
I have always felt like my mother was a crude and unsympathetic lady. She pays for my schooling, food, and has invested money for my upbringing. I admit she invested plenty, but besides that she keeps making me feel that I'm not grateful, even though I am. I find her competing with me even with the silliest of things.
She is someone whom I have never liked that much, ever since I was a child. From my childhood, she has scolded and thrashed me for not doing homework, having bad manners, and such.
But let me tell you something, Dr. Archer -- I have always excelled in my schoolwork. I simply cannot love my mother. In fact, my hatred for her is gradually increasing. Sometimes I think I should leave her.
Is hating my mother that abnormal? She is not my stepmom, she's my mom! Is there something psychologically wrong with me?
Anwesa
Dear Anwesa,
First, I must say when someone mentions suicide, I must take it seriously. If, for any reason, you feel you may actually harm yourself, you need to go to the nearest hospital ER and get the help you need. That word should never, ever be tossed around lightly, and I’m worried about you.
The mother/daughter relationship can be one of the most beautiful and strongest of relationships, yet, it can also be complicated. Many find themselves hating a parent, but usually it's for a reason. There are those children, however, who just feel a very strong dislike for one parent or another. It is not that unusual, though it is very unfortunate.
Your admit your mother spent money to make sure you were brought up correctly, and that's because she wants the best for you. Life is not easy, Anwesa, and I truly believe your mother wants to make sure that you are well equipped to take care of yourself down the road.
I think you're seeing parental pressure only as something negative, but understand that most parents want you to be the best you can be. I don't think it's meant to underestimate you, insult you or frustrate you, although if it makes you feel as such, you ought to talk to them. If they're putting too much pressure on you, Anwesa, talk to them as the adult woman you are becoming.
Many times when mothers care and criticize, they view it as caring, while the daughter views it as criticizing. In actuality, I believe your mother is trying to teach you what she either learned from her own mom, or had to learn the hard way -- by herself through her mistakes.
True, some mothers carry it to far, like Gayle's mom in "Accepting Yourself, Nose And All". That's where communication comes into play. That’s what Gayle learned; you can learn the same!
My advice: Make a list of everything good that your mom does- write it down. We already know she invested plenty of money in your education, she clothes you and feeds you and puts a roof over your head. That's a start, I know there's more. Search within yourself and complete your list of everything she does for you.
Now, write down all the bad things she does. Nothing general, Anwesa! I want specifics; things that really bother you and get under your skin. Make this list constructive, not childish and petty, and most certainly not to hurt. Thoughtful and objective is the key.
Now, when you've completed your lists, have a heart to heart talk with your mom. Embrace those good qualities you admire and talk to her about the bad. If the two of you talk, talk, talk it out, I am hoping your differences can be worked out.
There's nothing I'd like more than to see a relationship blossom from this. You might not realize it, but it would benefit you both tremendously.
Believe it or not, there is hope for a better relationship. Your mom's job is to raise you to the best of her ability. In the end, you can make the decision to love her or hate her. BUT, Anwesa, she is, and will always be, your mom.
I hope you at least try to see things from your mom's point of view. The last letter I'd like you to read is from Pepper, who held and nursed her anger towards her mom, only to feel guilt and remorse when she found out her mom's days were limited, in
"I Was Never Close To My Mom And Now She's Dying".
I believe one day when you are blessed with your own daughter, you will understand. In the meantime, talk to her. To be treated as an adult, you need to start acting like an adult.You will never regret it. Good luck!
Dr. Archer
