Dear Dr. Archer,
I know that when you get older, traits of your personality tend to become more emphasized. My dad is 81 and lives with my mom, who is 79. They both have a very small pension but dad has some properties which keep them going.
My sister is a doctor and is married to a doctor and has two children, one of them being a doctor, himself. She helps them by paying their health insurance and getting them medicine they need. Sometimes she takes them to doctors she knows from her university group. In short, they are in good hands. They meet almost every Sunday at her mother-in-law's home to have lunch where there is a family gathering.
I do not see my parents often, as I live abroad, but they say they talk more with me than with my sister, because I phone every day for a chat. My sister helps them often, especially since they're older and she's a doctor.
However, she never had a very good relationship with my dad. He made money during a period of time in his life and bought plenty of properties. However, he also had many periods when he did not have much money and unfortunately, when my sister got married, she made the mistake of wanting to live in one of his flats and pay him rent.
They all live in Brazil, which is a country that has had its share of economic instability and high inflation. Because of that, my dad kept raising their rent and it came to a point when both my sister and her husband thought it was just getting too high. Because of that and also because of dad's financial instability, they had a falling out.
She moved out the flat and distanced herself from our parents. I do agree with her, although I did not have the same problems.
My dad had always been very financially insecure, a very pretentious person, showing everyone else how much he achieved in life; arrogant. He looked down on other people and if you disagreed with him, he'd start shouting. Those are the memories we have of dad.
My mom never left him because she comes from a generation that thinks husbands and wives stick together, regardless. Now that they are old, she feels pity when she sees that dad has health problems.
He has been diabetic for years and has a big sore on his foot that simply won't heal. He is afraid of dying and keeps calling my sister all the time so she can treat him or take him to someone who will.
However, he swears all the time saying he doesn't trust anybody and that doctors kill patients and don't care as long as they make their money. Now he wants my sister and I to give him money for his bills again. He was forced to advertise some properties to sell, but no one is interested in buying because of the high price he's asking.
We had a falling out the last time I called and I told them what I thought. I even mentioned what a bad father he has been to both my sister and me, always screaming when he doesn't get his way. I phoned my sister and told her about it and I said she should pay his bills, and she should also take control on the sale of the properties.
She agreed with me and said she'll do that, because dad gave her power of attorney a long time ago in case he suddenly could not speak or think clearly due to a stroke or something.
Needless to say, dad went up the wall when my sister told him what she was going to do as a condition to pay his bills. My mom doesn't say much, although she wants to sell at least one property. I know she feels very sorry for him, as usual.
What do you think, Dr. Archer? Are we sensible or are we monsters? We need some psychological advice, because we feel terrible.
Anne
Dear Anne,
You and your sister are facing the problem that all children dread when their parents are up in age and either won't, refuse to or can't act responsibly. In essence, the parent becomes the child while the child becomes the parent. It's never easy and what you two are feeling is common.
There are a few basic signs that are keys to when children need to step in to take charge of their parents:
1) When a normally clean, orderly home begins to become cluttered.
2) Dishes left unwashed for long periods of time or food left out.
3) Mail is stacking up, many times unopened.
3) Bills are not getting paid; checking account is a mess.
4) Weight loss; little to no food in the fridge, not eating properly and old food remains in the house.
5) Forgetting appointments and/or forgetting to take medications.
7) Odd conversations, signs of irritability, unusual fears and phone calls at odd hours.
8) Signs of depression.
9) Wearing clothing not appropriate for the time of year as not wearing shoes or going out without a coat.
10) Wearing the same clothes day after day, or sleeping in the same clothes.
Your father is used to doing things his own way, Ann, and he is going to buck this for all it's worth, no doubt. He is going to feel like you and your sister are taking away his dignity and independence, but what other choice is there?
It is a very difficult situation, to be sure, but you are not monsters, even though you may feel like it. Your sister using her Power of Attorney is, in fact, the best solution available.
Mom, on the other hand, must realize this needs to be done. She most likely realizes this in her mind, but her heart is telling her otherwise. Plus, she's at home with dad, and she's hearing his rants.
You might want to read
"My Elderly Mom Wants To Die". Neither of your parents want to rely on their daughters for help. It's not an easy situation at all, but it's not unusual. So the more you both can reinforce your love and concern for your parents -- without giving in -- the better.
My advice is to proceed with your power of attorney plan, but slow it down. Give dad some more time to come to terms with this. Tell him that you are open to other ideas and let him discuss, but make it clear that if he yells then the conversation will end.
Keep coming back to the fact that if he wants financial help from your sister then selling the property would be fair. BUT if he doesn’t want to sell the property then he can’t have it both ways. Eventually he should come around, but if not you still need to do what you must to help them.
As they took care of you when you were young, so you must do for them at this stage of their lives. Difficult? No doubt. Necessary? Absolutely. Good luck to all of you.
Dr. Archer
