Dear Dr. Archer,
My adult son has been with a very controlling girlfriend for five years. She always tries to make me into someone I am not. Over time, this has affected my son's own perceptions; she has cultivated within him feelings of resentment and anger towards me.
The way she looks at me! It always has a dirty edge to it; it's very offensive and unhealthy, and I think she's trying to provoke me. I've tried to get to the core of it; I believe it's because of her parents.
They act like their daughter and my son are married, but they're not! They even made it possible for them to live next door to them so they can see them every day. They build them up to be an amazing couple, but they're not! They're not a nice couple at all!
Since this move, he has stopped answering my calls; I have been forced to text. I was also not allowed to see their apartment for over a year, although her parents were helping them move in. This girl implied I would impose, but I'm not an imposing kind of person.
Why is my son letting them do this to him? I have asked him to stop showing her my texts, but he refuses.
I think at times she is delusional. I've seen her tell lies, and she's very convincing, even getting my son to support her lies. He was never dishonest before this girl! I know my son, and I know this girl instigates just about all of this behavior, but he won't admit it.
I have tried to warn my son of this family's manipulation, but he can't see it, and there's nothing I can do about it. They try to get my older son and me to join in with them, like we're one big happy family, but we're not!
We're not a big happy family at all, and I don't want to go along with it anymore. I don't like them. My older son also gets hurt and disrespected by his brother. The girl seems to have a need to destroy our family.
Many times he has told me "Things change. You need to accept that." Why do things have to change just because she came along? My son is with a bad person! She always plays the victim, although she abuses me.
She gets my son to bully me, although she is the bully. It's domestic violence for a girl to turn a boy against his mother. I know my son is manipulated by her! She talks to me through him, and I always know when it's her telling him what to say. I would like help in knowing how to keep a connection with my boy.
I am the cause of anything bad in this girl's eyes, and she's obviously never wanted to get along with me. Trying to talk to her about any of this means nothing to her.
My son loves a girl who has conflict towards his mother. How do you help a son with that? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Amy
Dear Amy,
All parents should wish for one thing above all else -- for their children to be happy and successful, to fall in love, and to live their lives to the fullest. In this respect, Amy, you have done an excellent job.
You faced challenges that only another single parent could understand. I realize it wasn't easy, working multiple jobs, making personal sacrifices and being stronger than you ever thought possible. But you did it, congratulations!
You raised your boy well, and he has become a successful man who finds himself in love with a girl, probably the girl he will marry, with whom he will raise a family. Not only that, but he is also loved by her parents, who have welcomed him into their family with open arms, accepting him as their own. At first glance everything should be all good.
However, it’s clearly not. All you did in your letter was complain, bitterly about the girl he loves. And you've found nothing but fault with her family, as well. Your son seems to be happy, secure and blessed. So why would you bash this girl and her family so heartily? They obviously love him and are thrilled that he is someone who will take care of their daughter.
This falls squarely on your shoulders, Amy. You need to examine yourself and your feelings. I can see nothing wrong here except your attitude. She may not be nice, or kind or respectful to you, but you can’t control that. You never will win that game. You can only control yourself and how YOU relate to her.
You seriously need to focus on getting along with, not only this woman who may become the daughter you never had, but also with her family, as well. They've made the effort of welcoming you into their home to make one big happy family; I suggest you do your best to meet them half way. If you don't, you could very well end up the big loser here.
Go above and beyond what you need to do to be loving and accommodating. Buy them a nice housewarming gift; make sure it's something they will enjoy and also where they will think about you every time they see or use it. Ask her out for lunch and shopping, invite her to do a spa day together, but try your hardest to form a bond.
You don’t have to be best friends, but you do have to get along. This is your son, Amy, and if you don't bend over backwards to make this work, you will lose him. I've seen it happen, and it's not nice.
Change the attitude and instead of seeing nothing but negative, start seeing the good that this relationship has brought. It’s in there, you just have to look hard and find it.
Be nice, nice, nice to her and to her parents! They love your son, and this is not a competition. There really is enough love to go all the way around, if you allow it. No more negative texts, no more bringing bad news to his workplace.
When you accept this relationship and accept this girl with loving arms, I assure you, he will start taking your calls again, and you will be welcome into their home. It's all in your attitude what happens from this point on.
I’ve worked with dozens of patients on this very situation and it’s always the parent that must compromise. The kids will grow up, have their own family and live their lives. If you wish to be part of it, then you must be the one to adapt.
I'm hoping you can put your negative thoughts aside, or at least keep them to yourself. If they are offering the olive branch, I suggest you grab it. Good luck!
Dr. Archer
